311- Depressive Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

Albrecht Dürer (1471–1528) -Melencolia I - https://grisnoir.wordpress.com

311- Depressive Disorder Not Otherwise Specified is, in my opinion, the DSM-IV classification of how I have been feeling for most of my adult life, during my twenties it would probably have been Melancholic depression, or ‘depression with melancholic features’, a DSM-IV subtype of clinical depression.

Only in the past few years have I been wondering if I could suffer from bi-polar disorder but I don’t think my highs are high enough nor are my lows low enough. At least how I have been experiencing my mood swings the last few years. As a teenager I think I would have easily been classified with Major Depressive Disorder. Those days are over, thankfully.

Now I ‘just’ have these unpredictable mood swings. They can occur at any time, any place and usually last until after I have slept, typically the next day. Sometimes though the mood gets carried over to the next day. Or I wake up in that state, I already hate getting up, let alone with this unshakeable feeling of melancholy or depression.

Days like that just drag on and on.

I have learned that these melancholic feelings are just that, and I know from experience that they will pass, often just as suddenly as they surfaced or appeared.

I’m using the word ‘surfaced’ here because I think that these feelings of sadness, depression, melancholy, whatever name you will give them, are somehow buried deep inside of me and simply surface every so often. The strange thing is that however hard I try I cannot seem to find what triggers these mood swings. Which is very irritating as that makes it more difficult for me to try to figure out why from one moment to the next my feelings go from happy, hopeful, positive and optimistic to downright sad, disinterested, depressed and sometimes worse.

When I was still single these mood swings didn’t really matter too much as they only affected myself, but now they also affect my partner, who like me, is kept in the dark as to why all of a sudden I have turned from my positive, optimistic persona to a non responsive, disinterested bag of sadness.

Sure I have seen (several) psychologists and even a psychiatrist (though never got any meds prescribed), but non of them have really helped me. Though credit where credit’s due, the last one I saw did help me the most dealing with some issues from the past and my internal verbalisation of those feelings.

(Image by Dürer)

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